It was only two to three weeks after the wedding when I started to feel really strange. My boobs were hurting, everything smelled awful, I had no energy, chocolate cravings like never before. So, a small part of me, mind you a very small part, started to feel suspicious. I was on birth control, of course, so all of the symptoms could have easily been explained by the effects of hormone-affecting pills. Yet, I wondered. I decided that only if my period came late would I start to worry.
So, the days after that turned out to be the longest days of my life. I even thought about taking one of those "First Response" tests, because I was so impatient to wait for my period. Surprisingly, however, I wasn't impatient because I was worried or afraid. Oddly enough, I felt a twinge of excitement, of anticipation. And as a woman, you roll over the thoughts in your mind over and over...
Would I be able to handle this now? Could we afford it? We could make it work... How would we tell our parents? How would I tell Matt? What would he think? This isn't in the plan. Would he think I skipped a few pills, would he think I tricked him? Maybe he'd be happy...
And before I knew it, something that started out as nothing but a mild concern turned into a real life altering event. Suddenly I was reevaluating my plans, my future. Suddenly, the thought of motherhood being so close, within reach, made for a very exciting notion. A sense of forward motion, a sense of purpose; Almost, a sense of destiny fulfillment as a woman.
It came time for my period to come, and knowing that worrying about it not coming could cause it to not come, I tried to be as calm and "I don't really care if it does or doesn't" as I could. And when it did not come that day, I felt my excitement only grow.
The next day it did not come, either. Nor the next. Now I'd found myself on day four of what was supposed to be my period, and I was more anxious than I'd ever been. I snuck out of the house while Matt napped on the couch, and skipped over to the pharmacy. That was an adventure all on its own.
How grown up I suddenly felt. What a wild world that I would find myself here, only three weeks after my wedding, wondering about something so enormous. I felt like everyone in the building could see me, watching me as I read the labels on the side of every pregnancy test box. There were too many kinds to choose from, but I had it set that I wanted to be absolutely certain. And in my life experience, the more you pay for something, the more likely it is to do what you want it to do. So I reached out and grabbed a box containing one Clear Blue Digital Pregnancy Test, and made my way humbly over to the counter to pay. Seventeen dollars later, I tucked it away in my purse and drove home again.
Once I got back to the apartment, I carefully opened the box, and read the instructions on the little pamphlet inside. It said not to drink lots to try and make myself have to go, but to just use it when I had to. This would be a difficult thing to do without alerting Matt to my strange situation. Later in the evening, the moment arose and again I snuck away into the bathroom, Styrofoam cup in hand, ready to do one of the most momentous and grown up things I'd ever done.
So, I did what I had to do into the little cup, as they don't provide one for you. (May I also mention that it is much more difficult to aim for a woman than it is for a man, and I may have gotten only 30% of my full capacity into the actual cup itself.) Then I touched the liquid with stick, enough for it to absorb what it needed to, and the little hourglass appeared on the digital screen. Waiting time.
Those couple of minutes could not have been longer. I tried to distract myself with the Calvin & Hobbes books next to the toilet, but I couldn't really think. And Matt had no idea what was going on, as he watched TV in the living room outside. I waited, and waited, and waited... I waited longer than it said I'd have to, because I didn't want to accidentally look too early.
But finally, I built up the courage to reach out and hold that little white and blue stick. I gulped and took a deep breath and glanced at the screen.
The result that should have lifted the giant burden off my shoulders, that should have brought me overwhelming relief, only left a weight in the depths of my stomach. I scolded myself for the sadness that I felt over something that never even was. I shut my eyes, breathed again, and threw the pregnancy test out, deep enough so Matt would never see. I thought about not telling him about any of it, as nothing had even happened. Everything was the same today as it had been yesterday, last week, last month. What was there to tell?
I was a little distant all evening. Later that night I pulled him into our bedroom and sat him down. I told him I had something very important to talk about. He put on his serious, concerned face, and listened intently.
"My period is four days late, and I took a test." I started. Suddenly his face went white, but he tried to hide his fear as he could see I was very emotionally strained. "Don't worry, it was negative." In that moment, I could see him completely relax. After that, I told him all about my fears, and how the test went, and about the symptoms I'd been feeling. I tried not to show that I'd been sad over the result, but he could see right through me, and held me tightly. His big strong arms pulled the tears out of me and I cried for a while in the comfort of his embrace. Once I felt as though I was calm again, we talked about it, about what we would have done, about how he would have felt. He told me "I would have been happy, you know. It would have been a more difficult path, but I would have smiled." And instantly I was brought comfort, scolding myself for keeping it a secret this entire time, remembering what an understanding man I'd found.
So over the next couple of days we talked about how I felt now, how I felt as though it was within reach now, and suddenly there was nothing I wanted more. We talked about when would be a good time, when we'd be in a comfortable place where we thought we'd be able to have a nice home, and a comfortable beginning for a baby. And Matt could see the longing in my eyes, the strong passion, the desire to share my love with something so beautiful.
And after extensive talking and planning, we decided we absolutely couldn't wait five years. Heck, I felt like I couldn't even wait another day! So Matt looked me right in the eyes and said "This fall, how about around, say, August? We'll see where we are in our lives, and maybe we can start trying. I want this too, you know." I don't know a time when I've ever smiled more!
And from that moment on, I took on an entirely different attitude, about everything! I bought books to prepare me for what was in store for my life, started to go over the details of my lifestyle that had to change, develop an exercise routine so I'd be in perfect physical condition to take on such a task. That's when I decided I'd start this blog, to chronicle my journey toward motherhood, and beyond.
I realized that motherhood starts even before conception, it starts with the right attitude, the right preparation, the responsible decisions and careful planning that go into creating this perfect being.
So, consider me -6 months pregnant. Because, we'd really like to start trying in August, and my husband is absolutely certain, with the grace of God on our side, that its not going to take too many tries! Sure, I'm optimistic. But if it turns out we are not conception pros by then, I'll just have to be 0 months pregnant for a while. :)
Here's to one of the greatest journeys of my life, as a human being, but mostly, as the strong woman God has made me to be.
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